Archive | October, 2019

Why I wrote this book, the way I did…it didn’t happen overnight, it wasn’t a continuous story, it was a page turner….it was one moment after another moment.

12 Oct

37

One moment that lead to another  moment, another broken moment, to another broken moment.

It was moments like this that caused me to bleed red in my heart. He took the gentleness of my heart. I was in loved and I believe in him.

A bleeding heart show up everywhere and it stains. It also may bring a stench that is evident. My smile was only a disguise that hid the scars of my embedded frown.

My only way out was to get right and to write…

12 Oct

44I had to get myself together.  There was no other way around it. My entire life depended upon me living a life that pleased God.  What was born in sin, remain sinful and it only birthed more sin.

I remember one day praying on my knees in agony for change. Change that I believe would take place in the marriage, change that would lead to him loving me more, him being nice to me, or even him being a great husband.

That wasn’t the change…it was all pain and doubt, hurt, fear and yet I loved because I am an empath.

 

My journey towards greatness…this day is called Landing.

10 Oct

71I didn’t realize this book would create so much controversy, but it did.

Yet…I decided not to run away from conflict and pain and just be me…

I did all I did for love, but it was my love that took my heart on a roller coaster ride that I am now landing from.

Landing…what does that look like.

Tears,  pain, joy, peace, love, patience,  passion, rest, me, God…. I am now landing.

But in the landing…the turbulence can be fierce and challenging.

God protected my heart…he allowed it to heal in the closure process.

Lies, lies, and more lies…

9 Oct

58So many lies were told…so many untruths.

I love you, was the first lie.

I will never hurt you, was the second lie.

You belong to me, was the finally lie and the lies that I would cancel for the rest of my life.

Who knew the next 18 months would be spent in constant agony and pain to live again and to live forever.

Once a lie is told…it repeats itself in many facets but it never lands in a resting place because it doesn’t belong.

I didn’t belong…

 

The other woman…

6 Oct

58…he cheated the whole time!!

She was always in the picture,  both literally and figuratively.  She stood at the sideline waiting for moments of vulnerability to take over and charge the man I was with. She used my shortcomings to get him…but although I wanted to be mad with her, I couldn’t…she wasn’t my enemy, she was a victim of his as I was. He loves her and others while he loved me.

At one point, I too was the other women…what change…nothing. Just a different year, same drama with the other woman, me.

 

 

The Saga Continues…

5 Oct

142…and the saga continues.  Even after I gave my all and marry this man, he wanted a divorce.  I believe it was simply about the money and the motherly instincts I offered.  He took more than he gave and he demanded and requested more than he supplied and provided.

I was empty and left without anything to fill the cup, when my cup should have run over it was empty and never to be filled.

All it took was one final dismissal of the marriage for me to leave and not return.  Not return physically, but emotionally I stayed.