DrGretchenTorbertPhD

…he was a mind game player. He knew how to change and alter words to meet his needs. He knew what to say and what to listen for to use it to try to destroy my character and damage my reputation.

He wanted my life, the life he thought I had. I had to learn to laugh when nothing was funny, smile when my heart was bleeding and work through the night to ESCAPE.

…I just keep praying and asking God. I feel like the 2 year that keeps begging God for the candy in the store. I know that God has all my needs met, but I want what I want.

It isn’t him or any other man…I want me back. And this time, this moment, I believe that God is going to give me my desire.

…when the Birthday Plans are breathtaking.

I spent hours planning thr perfect birthday gift for the man of my dreams. He had promised me to marry me on his birthday and I was ready. It was time to live that life that I had always dreamt of. The perfect birthday present was… I do, but we did not.

I purchased a cooking class for the master chef himself.  I also got him a fabulous outfit….and to top it off I took him on a trip to jump out the plan. Yes, skydiving is the gift I had for him.

We arrived at the skydiving place and everyone thought we were the SHIT….they admired our glow. We were 1.

He had told me that he had plan to propose in the air, but he didn’t…it never happened.

We went to dinner afterwards,  but it was like he wasn’t there…he was present,  but absent.

The representative was gone…😥 and I didn’t get engaged.

…having him to move in was an adventure…it was not just an adventure, but AN ADVENTURE.

The packing, the excitement, the shopping,  the love…the time, the unpacking and the storage.

I packed my items in 3 days…left everything big to my kid’s father…and I helped him pack his whole house, cleaned it and sorted items and packed away. Then I helped him mom pack her stuff as well.

I had already  become his wife…spiritually.

In my apartment lived 3 adults and 4 kids…in 2 bedrooms, but love was the central idea.

I walk with a limp was preached by me at the tip of my plateau. I was studying God’s word, but I had issues…big issues. I was getting s divorce and spending countless of hours with the man of my dreams at the time. I was happy and sad, enlightened yet confused,  happy and still hurt.

How did I get here?

I got here over 10 years back, the simple Facebook message…the hello.  The gates opened and I walked into them.

What was i missing?

I loved love…and I wanted to be loved.

I loved romances intimacy,  passion…I wanted it.

It was the way he looked at me..grabbed me…it was the words, the promises,  that were empty and void.

That day, I supported his vision…and he supported mine…he was my camera videographer man.

Who knew that even the minister would fail…would faulty and fall short.

The move…such a defining time of my life.

It was going to be my first home. My first time on my own…my own, yes my own.

I pay the bills,  I call the shots, I do what I want when I want to.

I purchased a bunch of new items…it was my 2 bedroom apartment…my own address with my own keys.  This only came after spending nights with him…each night I stayed it felt odd but it was my reality.  He would hold me tight..cuddling was what it was…and it was what I needed.

My heart was at rest…

Now come April,  my body was at rest too. I had my own place.

It was a roller coaster ride…pain and confusion, joy and love…just one emotion after another. I was breaking apart my home to build a new one. My routine had not changed in 15 years.

Get up, get ready, work, come home, kids and then whatever…

I was now doing whatever felt good, whatever was nice, whatever I wanted.

I became his property and I was no longer married to my husband spiritually.  From February to April…we proceeded with the divorce process.

For the first time, after a failed time…I was going for what I thought was always meant for me.

…and to top it off his name was my ex husband’s name and my name was his ex wife’s name.

The picture,  this is the picture…this is what I hoped for and dreamt of for years. I had waited 8 years of not having premarital sex before I married my kid’s father. I was on sabbatical from dating and the world to find me to love me and to enjoy me. I didn’t want to be intimately involved with anyone until I married. I purchased the picture in my early twenties and this picture begin to talk to me and minister to me…it was my hope and my future,  it was my destiny.

The picture spoke to me…I knew that the man in the picture was my future husband.  Everything in the picture depicted what my heart desired…

He was covering her.

He was holding her.

The sun (SON) was shining on them.

The fence shielded us and protected us, it was our sacred place.

She wore white…pure…it was my wedding night in the picture.

She was speaking life into his ear…

I held this picture for years, single and married, yet it never manifested.

…telling my husband that I wanted a divorce was hard for me. It was my second go around with the same man, the father of my kids and it was difficult for me.

I was hurting from a bleeding heart…but I knew it was time to live the true me. I was ready for what was to come…what was to be…and what I desired most which was love.

I desired love, I desired to be fulfilled and at that moment I knew it was him…

He was the one that was in the picture of my life for years, literally and figuratively.