My only way out was to get right and to write…

12 Oct

44I had to get myself together.  There was no other way around it. My entire life depended upon me living a life that pleased God.  What was born in sin, remain sinful and it only birthed more sin.

I remember one day praying on my knees in agony for change. Change that I believe would take place in the marriage, change that would lead to him loving me more, him being nice to me, or even him being a great husband.

That wasn’t the change…it was all pain and doubt, hurt, fear and yet I loved because I am an empath.

 

Advertisements

My journey towards greatness…this day is called Landing.

10 Oct

71I didn’t realize this book would create so much controversy, but it did.

Yet…I decided not to run away from conflict and pain and just be me…

I did all I did for love, but it was my love that took my heart on a roller coaster ride that I am now landing from.

Landing…what does that look like.

Tears,  pain, joy, peace, love, patience,  passion, rest, me, God…. I am now landing.

But in the landing…the turbulence can be fierce and challenging.

God protected my heart…he allowed it to heal in the closure process.

Lies, lies, and more lies…

9 Oct

58So many lies were told…so many untruths.

I love you, was the first lie.

I will never hurt you, was the second lie.

You belong to me, was the finally lie and the lies that I would cancel for the rest of my life.

Who knew the next 18 months would be spent in constant agony and pain to live again and to live forever.

Once a lie is told…it repeats itself in many facets but it never lands in a resting place because it doesn’t belong.

I didn’t belong…

 

The other woman…

6 Oct

58…he cheated the whole time!!

She was always in the picture,  both literally and figuratively.  She stood at the sideline waiting for moments of vulnerability to take over and charge the man I was with. She used my shortcomings to get him…but although I wanted to be mad with her, I couldn’t…she wasn’t my enemy, she was a victim of his as I was. He loves her and others while he loved me.

At one point, I too was the other women…what change…nothing. Just a different year, same drama with the other woman, me.

 

 

The Saga Continues…

5 Oct

142…and the saga continues.  Even after I gave my all and marry this man, he wanted a divorce.  I believe it was simply about the money and the motherly instincts I offered.  He took more than he gave and he demanded and requested more than he supplied and provided.

I was empty and left without anything to fill the cup, when my cup should have run over it was empty and never to be filled.

All it took was one final dismissal of the marriage for me to leave and not return.  Not return physically, but emotionally I stayed.

Adulterer #12 …Birthday Plans, Wedding Plans..

28 Sep

37

…when the Birthday Plans are breathtaking.

I spent hours planning thr perfect birthday gift for the man of my dreams. He had promised me to marry me on his birthday and I was ready. It was time to live that life that I had always dreamt of. The perfect birthday present was… I do, but we did not.

I purchased a cooking class for the master chef himself.  I also got him a fabulous outfit….and to top it off I took him on a trip to jump out the plan. Yes, skydiving is the gift I had for him.

We arrived at the skydiving place and everyone thought we were the SHIT….they admired our glow. We were 1.

He had told me that he had plan to propose in the air, but he didn’t…it never happened.

We went to dinner afterwards,  but it was like he wasn’t there…he was present,  but absent.

The representative was gone…😥 and I didn’t get engaged.

Adulterer #11 Move in Day…

28 Sep

44…having him to move in was an adventure…it was not just an adventure, but AN ADVENTURE.

The packing, the excitement, the shopping,  the love…the time, the unpacking and the storage.

I packed my items in 3 days…left everything big to my kid’s father…and I helped him pack his whole house, cleaned it and sorted items and packed away. Then I helped him mom pack her stuff as well.

I had already  become his wife…spiritually.

In my apartment lived 3 adults and 4 kids…in 2 bedrooms, but love was the central idea.